4:53 pm, in the eye of the tornado
What a crappy day! probably crapier than yesterday, less crappy than tomorrow. Took me 2 pills in few hours to chill. I’ve been trying to get a job, mostly because according to everyone having an activity will help you get outta “rat holes”. I don’t believe shit! but then again, i’m willing to try almost anything that could make me feel more of an alive human being. Of course the money will be useful too, but i don’t even know what sold i’m supposed to have. I knew from the begin that i’ll have problems with something.
If i’d be superstitious, i’d blame the many mirrors i broke all this time or some witchy witch that doomed me with all this bad luck, but in the end i have no idea why the fuck all this chain of bad things keep on happenin’ .
Rad it all here :
10:18 am. Rat hole
I woke up 7 am thinking that here’s another day that gives me no reason to stand up from the bed. Yet another morning damning the skies for opening my eyes that early. Cause there’s nothing to do, nothing to seek, nothing to find, nothing to connect to, nothing to relate to. All this avalanche of big nothings.
Spent some time in bed watching stupid pranks on the phone, getting my mind distracted.
See, there’s this feeling all this days, actually if i dig deeper i could say all this years, there’s this feeling of waiting for something to happen that will bring me back to life, an event that will pull me up from this fucking rat hole in which i settle making of it my home. Each day that goes by makes it clearer that i’m here to stay.
I got no more money to see that shrink which i called for more than ten months my therapist. I dunno about that “therapy” part though, cause most of the sessions were like me speaking and him listening. Probably he couldn’t get much from my confusion either, probably he just came in and though to himself: “dude, can’t wait to get my money and fuck off”. In the end I might be too disturbed and too lost for my thoughts to even make sense. I figured i could do the same thing i was doing in therapy for free, writing it all down and ranting naked in front of an audience that will give as many fucks as he gave, with the advantage of doing it for free and with way more freedom. Cause see, it ain’t always that easy to speak when the other knows you, sees you or let’s say that my paranoia won’t let me trust not even a shrink. Lol! imagine how shocking you can sound to a dude that did all his living trough and into books, that preaches about “mind healing”, but has no idea about the stink and filth of a rat hole.
Keep it tipsy.
Letting go now, with Ray Charles- Hard times